[On stage, mic in hand, casual stance]
You ever try online dating? It’s like shopping, but instead of looking for the best deal on shoes, you’re hunting for a life partner… with the same level of commitment you’d use to buy a sandwich. You’re scrolling through people like they’re snacks in a vending machine: “Nah… too tall. Nope… weird bio. Oh, this one looks good… what’s wrong with her?”
Swipe left… swipe left… swipe left.
It’s like nobody is good enough! We’ve turned dating into a game show, except instead of winning a million bucks, you get ghosted.
The Bio Game
And let’s talk about the profiles. What’s the deal with these bios? People put the weirdest stuff in there. You’ll see things like: “I love adventure! Hiking, skydiving, bungee jumping!”
Really? That’s your idea of fun? I’m sorry, but if jumping off a cliff with a rubber band tied to your ankle is your idea of a first date, we’re not gonna make it to a second one.
[Pause for laughs]
And then there’s the humble brag. You know the type: “I’m just a down-to-earth guy who happens to own three companies, climb mountains on the weekend, and rescue puppies.”
I mean, come on. Who are you impressing here? At this point, it feels like you’re swiping through a LinkedIn profile, not a dating app. “Oh wow, you’re so accomplished! I’ll be sure to mention it when we’re splitting the check for coffee.”
The First Message
The first message is where the real comedy begins. You ever get a message that just makes you think, “This is how you introduce yourself?” It’s either way too casual or way too intense.
You’ll get stuff like: “Hey, sup?” Yeah, nothing screams potential life partner like “sup?” What am I supposed to do with that? “Oh, not much, just evaluating my life choices based on this conversation.”
[Mimics someone typing an overly dramatic message]
Then there’s the opposite end: “I believe in true love and destiny. Our souls were meant to intertwine in the cosmic dance of the universe.” Buddy, slow down. We haven’t even met in person yet, and you’re already planning our astral honeymoon.
[Pause for laughs]
The Profile Picture Trap
And don’t even get me started on the profile pictures. What’s with all the group photos? You’ve got five people in the picture, and now I’m playing “Guess Who” to figure out which one you are. I’m like, “Is it the guy with the hat? No… maybe it’s the one with the beard… Wait, are they all the same person?”
Then there’s the weirdly angled photos—you know, the ones taken from 30 feet above their head, where you can barely see their face? What are you hiding? Is there a reason I’m looking at you like I’m a bird flying overhead?
[Pause for audience laughter]
The Date Setup
Once you finally match with someone and exchange a few awkward messages, it’s time to set up the date. And this is where it gets tricky. Nobody wants to be the first to suggest anything. So you’re stuck in this endless back-and-forth, like:
“What do you wanna do?”
“I don’t know, what do YOU wanna do?”
“I’m easygoing, I’m good with whatever!”
“Same here, just pick something!”
At this point, you’re not even planning a date—you’re negotiating like you’re signing a peace treaty.
[Audience laughter]
The Actual Date
And then, the date itself. Oh, the magic of the first meeting. You’ve seen their photos, you’ve read their bio, you’ve exchanged a few messages… and now, finally, you meet in person. And immediately, you’re like, “Oh, this is different…”
The conversation is awkward, right? It’s like pulling teeth. You’re sitting across from each other, pretending to be fascinated by small talk. “So, you said you’re into… um, yoga?”
Meanwhile, your date is answering like it’s a job interview: “Yes, I enjoy yoga, it’s very centering.”
[Pause for laughter]
And don’t forget the check. The check is a whole other thing. Now we’re doing the wallet dance. “Should I offer to split it? Will they be offended if I do? Are we both pretending to reach for our wallets right now?!”
The Aftermath
Finally, you get home and think, “Well, that wasn’t so bad.” Then you check your phone. No text. No message. Crickets. What happened? We had a decent time, right?
And that’s when you realize… you’ve been ghosted. It’s like they vanished into thin air. One minute, you’re discussing favorite movies, the next minute, they’re in the witness protection program.
Online dating is the only place where someone can disappear while still liking your Instagram posts.
[Pause for big laughs]
So yeah, online dating—it’s a wild ride. We’re all out here, scrolling, swiping, texting, and hoping that somewhere in the digital chaos, we’ll find someone who can tolerate us long enough for a second date. But until then, I guess I’ll keep swiping… and swiping… and swiping.
[Walks off stage to applause]