[On stage, mic in hand, casual stance]
You ever have a roommate? It sounds like such a great idea at first. “Hey, let’s split the rent, share some chores, we’ll have a blast!” But then, about three days in, you realize… you’re not living with a person. You’re living with a human tornado.
It’s like, no matter what they do, it’s wrong. I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to take simple tasks—things you learned in kindergarten—and turn them into disasters.
Take the dishes, for example. You leave the house, the sink is clean. You come back, it looks like they hosted a wedding reception for 200 people. Plates stacked like a game of Jenga, cups, forks… but they’re still using more! They’re still going! I walk in and I’m like, “You know the dishwasher’s right there, right?” It’s not even five feet away! They act like it’s a black hole that sucks in dirty dishes forever.
[Pause for laughs]
The Fridge Fiasco
And let’s talk about the fridge. You ever have a roommate that has no concept of expiration dates? I’m pretty sure my roommate thinks food just magically regenerates. I’ll open the fridge and find a carton of milk in there from 2019. I ask them, “Are you gonna throw this out?” and they’re like, “Nah, it’s fine. Just a little chunky.”
A little chunky? You know what else is chunky? Cottage cheese! Milk is not supposed to be in the same category.
Then they’ve got leftovers… oh, the leftovers. It’s like they think the fridge is a museum, and each Tupperware is a time capsule. “Oh, this was Tuesday’s pasta. And this one’s from when we ordered Chinese… last month.” At this point, I think some of the containers in there might actually be growing new roommates.
The TV Remote Battle
The TV remote—oh, this is where it gets real. Why is it that whenever my roommate gets a hold of the remote, it’s like they’ve never seen one before? They’ll turn on the TV, start flipping through channels, and the next thing I know, we’re watching some foreign film with no subtitles.
“What is this? I don’t know, it just came on.”
How do you not know? You had the remote in your hand! It’s like they go into some kind of trance the moment they pick it up. One second we’re watching a show, and the next second, they’re rewinding, fast-forwarding, pausing every five seconds… I’m sitting there thinking, “Is this a movie or a hostage negotiation?”
[Pause for laughs]
The Loud Living Nightmare
And don’t get me started on noise. There’s always that one roommate who does everything loud. You can hear them from miles away. They close doors like they’re trying to scare off a bear. SLAM! Why is every door slam-worthy?
You can hear them from the kitchen when they make toast. TOAST. It’s two pieces of bread! How does that even make noise? But somehow, with my roommate, it sounds like a construction site. I’m sitting there, trying to relax, and all I can hear is them banging around with plates, knives, forks, and then… “Oops, I dropped it.”
Oh, you dropped it? Again? This is the fourth time today! What are you doing in there—juggling?
[Audience laughter]
Laundry Shenanigans
Laundry—oh, laundry’s another story. You ever share a washing machine with someone who thinks every piece of clothing they own needs to be washed every single day? I’m talking about the roommate who’s always doing laundry. But somehow… they never actually fold anything. It’s just piles. Piles of clean clothes on the couch, on the bed, on the floor.
And then, when they do fold, it’s like they’ve never seen a shirt before. You’re looking at their pile of folded clothes, and everything’s lopsided. It’s like their shirts have one sleeve longer than the other, their pants look like a twisted pretzel. I just want to go in there and be like, “Do you need help? Should we watch a YouTube video on how to fold?”
The Unexpected Guests
Then there are the unexpected guests. Oh, yeah. You think you’ve got one roommate, but surprise! You’ve got two… maybe three. They’ve always got people over, just hanging out in your living room like they’ve lived there for years.
I come home, and it’s like, “Oh, hey, this is Steve. He’s crashing here for a few days.” A few days? Who’s Steve? Why didn’t I know about Steve? Does Steve pay rent? No? Then Steve needs to go.
[Big audience laugh]
By the end of it, I’m sitting there wondering, “How did I get here?” I’m paying half the rent, but I’m living with someone who thinks microwaving tinfoil is a good idea. But you know what? I can’t even get mad. Because as much as they drive me crazy, at least I’m not the one who has to deal with their mess.
“Yeah, that’s their pile of laundry. Those are their leftovers. That’s their loud toast.” I just get to watch it all unfold… like a comedy I never asked for.
[Walks off stage to applause]